Before our beautiful daughter came into our lives, my Honey
and I would talk to everybody about our adoption journey and how excited we
were. We had long conversations about how we would discuss adoption and birth
parents with our baby girl. We discussed how we would start the adoption conversation
(that was the reason why I completed her life book within the first 6 months
home). We both agreed that it was important to discuss it early on and felt
strongly about hiring a team in China to get as much information as possible about
the birth family, in case she would have questions in a future.
But something
happened to me that was very sudden and unexpected. Once we became a family and
bonded, things started to change. It happened without me realizing it. At first,
I started to get a bit over-protective. I referred to baby girl simply as my
daughter, there was no more adoption talk (unless we were at the doctor’s
office and questions were asked about her medical history). We have seen the life
book together, we have celebrated 2 family days (Gotcha days) and release balloons
to honor her birth family. We read stories such as “A mother for Choco" and "happy adoption day" but for her those were just fun times and story times not a
real connection with her history and how our family came to be. Every time we
talked about it, I would get upset and very emotional. I couldn’t understand what
was going on. It had nothing to do with denial or embarrassment but I struggled
with my feelings.
I was scared to share my feelings but when I let my Honey in
on what was going on, he encouraged me to be honest with myself and really
think about the real reason of why I was feeling that way. After a
lot of thought and a lot of tears I came to the realization that what I was
really scared of (more like terrified) was rejection from my daughter. I fell
so madly and completely head over heels in love with my baby girl and I felt
completely accepted by her. In her eyes I was her Mommy, the only Mommy she
knew. I was so scared that once she knew and understood the truth she was going
to see me like an impostor. Somebody taking the place of her “real Mother”. I just wanted to be “the only one” for as long
as I could. I am not going to lie. When she started school and I found out the
teacher was pregnant I considered changing her to a different school. Total
paranoia! I knew once the teacher started “to show”, baby girl would start to
ask questions and I was just not ready for all that. We really like the school
and she love her friends so I just couldn’t just do that. I kept saying to
myself “she probably will not even notice” . I just kept avoiding but I knew it was just a
matter of time.
Soooooo on January 6,
2016 we celebrated Three Kings day (something we do as part of my culture). She
received presents and one of them was a scrapbook with pretty stickers. While
she was busy placing her stickers on her new scrapbook I told her I also have a
scrapbook with pictures and pretty stickers. I was referring to the book we
documented our adoption journey. I did not have “the adoption topic” in mind, I
simply wanted to show her my scrapbook. First picture shows a small gift box
with a globe (heart over China) saying “we are adopting”. So of course she
started to read it and of course had to ask “Mommy what’s adopting?” my heart
dropped and I knew this was it!
My Honey was downstairs so I called him and
together we shared our adoption story, how we became a family and how much we adore
her. We showed her pictures showing how we prepared for her arrival and all the
things we bought for her. She would rush to her room looking for her baby blankie,
her bunny, her dolly, photo album, story books and all the things she had grown
so attached to and placed over the pictures. We discussed as best as we could
about adoption and read a story about it. We googled images of pregnant women
and she became very quiet and said (more like talking to herself) “I was not in
your tummy” it broke my heart. I would have given anything at that moment to be
able to tell her of course honey, but I had to tell her the truth. We talked
for a while. We are just amazed at how intelligent she is! She is wise beyond her years!. She was able to ask
questions and try to make connections. We were in awe. We wanted to reassure her,
we wanted to make sure she knows how much we love her. We want her to know that
we are a family and nothing will change that. I was almost in tears. I was so
scared that somehow now that “she knew” she was going to reject me.
I was
scared that our bond would be broken. I needed more reassurance at that point
than she did but you know what? She gave me the sweetest hug and kiss and told
me she loves me- and the way she said it, can’t be described. At that moment, I
felt that she understood and she was totally fine with it. I know she is young
and I know she will have a million questions when she gets a little older but I
know I have nothing to worry about. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. She
loves me unconditionally as much as I love her. I love my baby girl all the way
to the moon and back and she knows it too :o)
From time to time, out of nowhere (especially if she’s in
the room when I am changing my clothes) she would say I was not in your tummy-
my heart breaks a little each time – I just tell her no but Mommy loves you
sooooo much and she starts to giggle because she knows I will follow with
tickles. I can almost see the little wheels in her head turning- I am waiting
for her to say so in who’s belly I was in? not yet but I know it will happen
sooner or later. We will continue to be honest and give her as much information
as we can. Adoption involves loss and we hope we can soothe her heart. We want
her to know she was loved before she was born. She was loved from the second we
saw her beautiful face, there were no medical records to review, there were no
questions, there were no other files to check. We knew the second we saw her
she was the one God had chosen for us. We prayed for her and God granted us
what we wished for. She will be sad because there’s so much more to her story
but we pray God will guide us and help us through the rest of our journey.
By the way, she told us her teacher was having a baby ha!
Three Kings day-2016-
The scrapbook…
the picture that started it all...
Oh Gracie girl, how
do we love thee? let us count the ways...
