Our Journey to Gracie...: Confession time… (long post)

Before our beautiful daughter came into our lives, my Honey and I would talk to everybody about our adoption journey and how excited we were. We had long conversations about how we would discuss adoption and birth parents with our baby girl. We discussed how we would start the adoption conversation (that was the reason why I completed her life book within the first 6 months home). We both agreed that it was important to discuss it early on and felt strongly about hiring a team in China to get as much information as possible about the birth family, in case she would have questions in a future.

But something happened to me that was very sudden and unexpected. Once we became a family and bonded, things started to change. It happened without me realizing it. At first, I started to get a bit over-protective. I referred to baby girl simply as my daughter, there was no more adoption talk (unless we were at the doctor’s office and questions were asked about her medical history). We have seen the life book together, we have celebrated 2 family days (Gotcha days) and release balloons to honor her birth family. We read stories such as “A mother for Choco" and "happy adoption day" but for her those were just fun times and story times not a real connection with her history and how our family came to be. Every time we talked about it, I would get upset and very emotional. I couldn’t understand what was going on. It had nothing to do with denial or embarrassment but I struggled with my feelings.

I was scared to share my feelings but when I let my Honey in on what was going on, he encouraged me to be honest with myself and really think about the real reason of why I was feeling that way. After a lot of thought and a lot of tears I came to the realization that what I was really scared of (more like terrified) was rejection from my daughter. I fell so madly and completely head over heels in love with my baby girl and I felt completely accepted by her. In her eyes I was her Mommy, the only Mommy she knew. I was so scared that once she knew and understood the truth she was going to see me like an impostor. Somebody taking the place of her “real Mother”. I just wanted to be “the only one” for as long as I could. I am not going to lie. When she started school and I found out the teacher was pregnant I considered changing her to a different school. Total paranoia! I knew once the teacher started “to show”, baby girl would start to ask questions and I was just not ready for all that. We really like the school and she love her friends so I just couldn’t just do that. I kept saying to myself “she probably will not even notice” . I just kept avoiding but I knew it was just a matter of time.

Soooooo on January 6, 2016 we celebrated Three Kings day (something we do as part of my culture). She received presents and one of them was a scrapbook with pretty stickers. While she was busy placing her stickers on her new scrapbook I told her I also have a scrapbook with pictures and pretty stickers. I was referring to the book we documented our adoption journey. I did not have “the adoption topic” in mind, I simply wanted to show her my scrapbook. First picture shows a small gift box with a globe (heart over China) saying “we are adopting”. So of course she started to read it and of course had to ask “Mommy what’s adopting?” my heart dropped and I knew this was it!

My Honey was downstairs so I called him and together we shared our adoption story, how we became a family and how much we adore her. We showed her pictures showing how we prepared for her arrival and all the things we bought for her. She would rush to her room looking for her baby blankie, her bunny, her dolly, photo album, story books and all the things she had grown so attached to and placed over the pictures. We discussed as best as we could about adoption and read a story about it. We googled images of pregnant women and she became very quiet and said (more like talking to herself) “I was not in your tummy” it broke my heart. I would have given anything at that moment to be able to tell her of course honey, but I had to tell her the truth. We talked for a while. We are just amazed at how intelligent she is! She is wise beyond her years!. She was able to ask questions and try to make connections. We were in awe. We wanted to reassure her, we wanted to make sure she knows how much we love her. We want her to know that we are a family and nothing will change that. I was almost in tears. I was so scared that somehow now that “she knew” she was going to reject me.

I was scared that our bond would be broken. I needed more reassurance at that point than she did but you know what? She gave me the sweetest hug and kiss and told me she loves me- and the way she said it, can’t be described. At that moment, I felt that she understood and she was totally fine with it. I know she is young and I know she will have a million questions when she gets a little older but I know I have nothing to worry about. I don’t have to be afraid anymore. She loves me unconditionally as much as I love her. I love my baby girl all the way to the moon and back and she knows it too :o)

From time to time, out of nowhere (especially if she’s in the room when I am changing my clothes) she would say I was not in your tummy- my heart breaks a little each time – I just tell her no but Mommy loves you sooooo much and she starts to giggle because she knows I will follow with tickles. I can almost see the little wheels in her head turning- I am waiting for her to say so in who’s belly I was in? not yet but I know it will happen sooner or later. We will continue to be honest and give her as much information as we can. Adoption involves loss and we hope we can soothe her heart. We want her to know she was loved before she was born. She was loved from the second we saw her beautiful face, there were no medical records to review, there were no questions, there were no other files to check. We knew the second we saw her she was the one God had chosen for us. We prayed for her and God granted us what we wished for. She will be sad because there’s so much more to her story but we pray God will guide us and help us through the rest of our journey.

By the way, she told us her teacher was having a baby ha!